Mhmm.

Anonymous asked: Are you going to "The Beatles: The Lost Concert" movie premier in a few weeks?

Probz not. I’m buh-roke.

I keep sitting on my computer, watching shows and listening to dumb sad music. I’ve been pitying myself. But for what? I have great friends. I’ve just decided not to be around them. But it seems as though pretty much everyone has coupled up. Maybe not in the romantic way, but as in, they are always together. Susie and Carlos. Joey and Sam. Rachael and Ben. Kaylyn and Vincent. And I understand that people have that person that they always want to be with. Especially in a couple situation. Before Vincent moved down here, it was me and Kaylyn always hanging out. Before we got to be good friends, I guess I just hung around everyone really. Idk. Maybe Jacob. He never talks me anymore though. Which just fucking kills me. How can you really sit there and not be my friend, after everything we have been through together? Yeah, we fight, but….. friends fight all the time. And they forgive each other. CAN HE HONESTLY LOOK ME IN THE FACE AND SAY HE DOESN’T STILL CARE ABOUT ME? After everything he gave me? After everything I gave him? I don’t understand. Is he lying to help everyone, or me, or himself? Is he just lying to himself? I know him, and there are things I know about him that he doesn’t realize himself. He’s lost. He doesn’t know who he is anymore. And he’s scared. I just want to help him like he helped me. I care about him too much to let him hide from himself.

I want him back, too. I feel really lonely without him. He made me feel really special. He taught me how to love myself. But, I still want him around. And maybe it’s best for us to just go our separate ways. NO. I don’t believe that at all. He expects me to act like I don’t know him. It’s bullshit. How can I go into Old Navy and say “Excuse me, can you tell me where the cardigans are?” It’s such a simple thing to say to someone when you don’t know them. But I know him. So well. I can’t look at him like a stranger. I felt such strong love for him. I still do. And not romantic love. I just. He was my best friend. I can never forget him.

This post went off topic. By now, no one is reading this, I realize. I just have to get this out. I love myself. I really do. I just want to feel important. I want someone to see me the way I see myself: loud, annoying, smart, loyal, trustworthy, friendly, sweet, caring, lazy, beautiful, crazy, passionate, talented, persistent, impatient, loving, messy, frustrating. That’s exactly what I see myself as, and I love all those things about me. Maybe people do see me exactly that way, and I know my friends love me. I want a different love though. I want to be looked at as if I light up someone’s life. I wanna be someone’s first thought. I want good morning texts. And goodnight calls. I want a random text from someone that just makes my day. I want to be the background on someone’s phone. I want to be on speed dial. I want the stupid cheesey couple things. I want to cuddle. I want to sleep in a bed with someone. I love the feeling of just laying next to someone, vulnerable, and trusting them. I just want…I want love. So much. People say I’m too young. I’ve felt love. It was never reciprocated, though. I want it to be mutual for once. I want to fight with someone over stupid things, just so we can have great makeup sex.

I’m so fucking lonely.